My dear friend Nick, who is a veritable font of good ideas, has suggested that I start a blog. I'm not the kind of person who will turn down an opportunity to find fresh ways in which to terrorize the internet, so after some token resistance, I gave in.
There. Introduction over. Let's begin.
I plan on going to see 30 Days Of Night this weekend with my new roommates. As an obsessive graphic novel/comic book fan, I consider this a necessary act. The graphic novel has a great set-up: vampires, after discovering that the sun doesn't rise for 30 days above the Arctic Circle, invade the town of Barrow, Alaska. Decimation ensues.
Okay. I'm used to putting all my logical facilities on hold (I pray every night for a zombie apocalypse, and yes, I can say that with a straight face/while making eye contact), but I must take issue here. Vampires are not idiots, so why did it take them untold hundreds of years to figure out that the sun does not rise for 30 days in one part of the world?
Seriously, vampires. You homeboys (and girls) need to get with the program. I mean, I often forget to put on pants but even I can recognize how lucrative an idea this is!
Then again, vampires aren't really all that bright to begin with. They live in graveyards, for fuck's sake! Can they be any more obvious? Vampires either chill out in coffins (nice touch, Vlad. Want to go back to my place and listen to German industrial while we're at it?) or in spooky, spider-web-shrouded castles. I understand that it's hard to break out of your comfort zone, but when anyone who's read Bunnicula knows how to find and kill you, it's in your best interest to choose a nice apartment in Williamsburg instead. Actually! That's a great idea. Just think about the benefits of being a vampire living in a hipster neighborhood:
1. You'll never have to worry that your nocturnal habits raising suspicions.
2. You won't have to worry about your accent getting you in trouble, for two reasons: the first, because the hipsters will automatically give you an extra ten points for being "exotic", and the second, because hipsters never talk to each other. They only use text messages or IMs.
3. Your all-black wardrobe will be considered so un-ironic that it's ironic.
4. Vampires are now considered uncool, having been passed over in favor of zombies, dinosaurs, ninjas, and robots.
5. If you happen to devour any of your new friends, you'll be able to steal the sweet record collections on which they've spent thousands but to which they've never listened.
Why did it take vampires so longer to figure out that their equivalent of an ice cream buffet rests quietly in the frozen north? At the very least, why haven't they set up a hotel and tour groups? I just may do it -- I need the money.
Just like the worst kind of boyfriend, I'm really bad at finishing at the right time. I tend to do it really abruptly, and before anyone wants me to do so. Today is no different.
